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Everyone always talks about how mind-boggingly far away the twinklies up in the sky are.

They're actually quite close. The way Sprocket Doggingsworth sees it, we're surrounded by billions of them, thousands of which are close enough to see with the naked eye (low hundreds if you live in Queens).  The vast majority of our corner of the Universe is made up of empty spaces between galaxies, where a cluster of galaxies might appear to float in the black as a distant speck.

We got it good here. The twinkles are close.  We be where the action is.
Dear 101.1 FM:

You cockwaffles!  You suck and are gay.

Don't play Hotel California if you're going to cut the guitar solo in half!  That sucks and is gay.

May the Eagles feast on your liver daily, like they do to Prometheus, only he's cool for giving us the fire of the Gods and stuff, whereas you suck for taking it away by robbing us of flaming hot guitar licks.  

You suck and are also gay. Die, die, die, die, die, and so on and so forth ad infinitum and stuff, you cuntmuffins.

St. Christopher is not a Wiccan

I'm bidding on a St. Christopher medal that depicts him as the Greeks sometimes do - a dog-headed man.

The seller is an idiot, though (or at least trying to sell to idiots): "This one is NOT Christian though, but rather the Wiccan St. Christopher.  THIS St. Christopher is said to be a descendant of Cynocephali - a race of giant dog-headed men.  Yes he does hold a cross."

There is no such thing as a Wiccan St. Christopher.  The very image on the medal was copied from art on the wall of an Eastern Orthodox Church.  I recognize the picture.

 Furthermore, Cynocephali was a derogatory term used to describe foreigners as dog-headed barbarians (the Greeks just took it literally).  They were not some gay fantasy dog race out of a TOR novel or a shitty Llellewyn book.

Dear Stupid Wiccans, you make non-stupid pagans look like morons.  I'm not even pagan, and I'm offended on their behalf at your ignorance.  Just google "St. Christopher dog"  It takes 5 min. You don't need to be a member of the literati to figure this shit out.

Last but not least, if you want to co-opt dog-headed St. Christopher, go ahead.  But admit you're doing it.  Own that.  If my 75 year old priest with the oxygen tank can openly cop to the fact that the Church stole Halloween from the pagans, you can admit that dog-headed St. Christopher is fucking Eastern Orthodox.  

The Poodle Prince

When you're studying how search engines and databases work, you stumble across some weird shit when analyzing search results. I found a book review from 1868.

The Poodle-Prince by Edonard Labonlaye. This story is of a young prince who, by the saving transformation of a good genius, has his first lessons in ruling corrected at every stage by a short though generally painful experience, as a dog, of the real nature of the government to which he has succeeded. It is a satire upon centralization in general, but particularly that which prevails in France. The scene is the kingdom of the Gobemouches, simpletons, adjoining that of the Cocqsigrues, fiddle-faddlers, whom the prince is tricked into making war upon, winning the battle of Necedad, and annexing four rather desirable provinces, of which the people "had nothing in common with their conquerors, and even had a standing hatred of them, besides differing in language, religion, and customs."

Yale is the only library with a copy in English, but it's from 1873 and I doubt they'll ILL it to me. I want to find a copy so I can read it!

EDIT: AHA! Victory is mine. Google books has a free pdf!
This version is called "The Spaniel-Prince," not "The Poodle-Prince." Different translation (1895). http://books.google.com/books?id=7XgRAAAAYAAJ&printsec=frontcover&dq=the+spaniel-prine&source=bl&ots=UA7Du3ZXAJ&sig=3GqvsyEwujaIZmqLeKNhShcMfn0&hl=en&ei=i9y6S_2uAcWqlAevy6XVBw&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=2&ved=0CAgQ6AEwAQ#v=onepage&q=&f=false

Lily Tomlin has more chemistry with the puppet than 97% of all romantic couples in TV and movies today.

Been Crazy

It's been crazy, and I haven't had time for LJ in ages.

If there's anything going on y'all want me to know about, or any particular posts of your'n you think I ought to see, just post a link here.


For those who have to squint, it says, "It's all fun and games until someone ends up in a cone."
I found it very useful.  It compares the House Dem bill, the Senate Dem bill, and the GOP bill.


The one thing that the article failed to mention, however, is that, by even discussing healthcare issues on Capitol Hill, our represented leaders are sending us on a downward spiral into SOCIALISM.  

Then again, it's hard to get your hands on truthful journalism, these days.

Zero gets a little crazy on Halloween.

Remember kids, pace yourself.

Porn Run

Wrote this rockabilly song in an evening. Inspired by real life events.

Porn Run.

It's 2 in the mornin'
I don't have a lover
But I heard about a Playboy with Marge Simpson on the cover.

I'm goin' on a porn run
To relieve my boredom.
Though I can't afford `em,
I'm goin' on a porn run.

On my way,
I call up my posse.
Before long I've promised everyone a copy

I'm goin' on a porn run
Though I can't afford `em.
I'm goin' on a porn run
For everyone.

So I went to the newsstand
Said, "Hey, Mister Newsman,
What you got?"
He said "Everything but what you want."
"That's alright, I'm through with you
On to porn-monger number two."

After I went through 3, 4 and 5
I swear I asked every Indian alive.
Each of those fellas had something to say
About the blue-haired MILF that they wanted to lay.
"By Ganesh's tusks, that issue's a jewel,
But I tell you, my friend, you're on an errand of fools."

--Guitar and honky-tonk piano solos.

Wandered in at dawn, tired and forelorn
Met an angry mob, shoutin' "Where's my porn?"
I said, "They're all sold out, but I brought some beer."
They said "We're drunk already. We've got a problem here.
`Cause you're our friend, got till the count of two."
Got run out on a rail, I got the porn run blues!

I'm out on a porn run.
Ain't relieved my boredom,
Never-ending porn run,
I ramble from town-to-town.

I'm banished to a porn run,
Prayin' to the Lord's son
That past my mortem
Won't still be wanderin' around.

Copyright 2009.